Winner elvenassassin

Everything I need to know about life I learned from Lord of the Rings Online*
By James Furrow

Swish swish! I swiftly released two flaming arrows down upon one more luckless wolf as I ground out yet again one more Shire trait: Discipline (+Might +Disease Resistance -Melee Vulnerability). 12/80, this could be a while. I’d never really had much of a reason to wonder around in the Shire except to farm and well...if there’s anything I’ve learned in Lord of the Rings Online, it’s that farming = patience.
Slaying two more wolves in quick secession, I decided that it would be a good time to grab a potion of power/moral regeneration since I was seriously getting tired of this senseless killing. I reached my hand down in front of me; not wanting to look away from the next wolf, but still trying to grasp one of the potions I’d left there. My hand collided with something sending it flying across the room.
“Spazz!” I spit out, cursing the wind to eternal damnation. I spared a glance down to my quick bar (desk), nothing. I could have guessed. I must have just sent my last potion flying when I blindly reached down.
I stood up in front of my computer. I guess 60 more shire wolves will just have to wait. After typing a quick /AFK on the keyboard I glanced at my shelves, empty. Walking over to my closet I found the same thing, empty.
“Spazz!” I spit out again. “Don’t tell me there is nothing in this house?” Only silence answered my call of anguish.
I crouched down, putting my ear to the ground and listened; another trick I’d learned from my hunter in Lord of the Rings Online. But once again, only silence answered me with its deafening quiet.
“Bugger” I discharged. If there had been someone else around, I might have tried to get them to bake something.
I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Thankfully I remembered a vendor being somewhere in this area. I figured I would be able to just pick up something there.
It took me twenty minutes to reach the mini-mart vendor. It was farther away then I remember. But then again, it could have just been because I haven’t walked anywhere in such a long time. I had thought about taking a horse, but I didn’t expect it to be this far.
I strolled over to the potion shelves and glancing around I spotted my favorite tonic, a real powerhouse of a drink - Full Throttle, a nasty potion brewed with Taurine (+Extreme Power), Ginseng (+Extreme Power) and Caffeine (+Extreme Moral Regeneration). But, it also comes with a shocker price - 1.99 S.
I looked around some more; maybe there was some better deal. Another favorite hit my eye - Mountain Dew, a tasty brew, with Sugar (+Power) and Caffeine (+Moral Regeneration). Not packed with nearly as much power as the Full Throttle, but much more reasonably priced. I could buy a twelve pack of dew for 2.99 S, compared to a 1.99 S 16 ounce throttle.
I looked in my bag, I only had 12 S. I guess I should really be doing a lot more questing in real life. But questing in real life always seems so much harder. There isn’t nearly as many people just standing around wanting you to kill something for them.
I got paid once for killing several spiders; but other then that, most people don’t need anything killed. I earned a little money running errands. But those quests ran dry after awhile, and no one else seemed to need anything done.
“Never mind” I thought, I could always worry about real life questing another time. I still needed to get back and finish off the last of the shire traits.
Paying for the dew, I began the long trek home. One skill I’ve been trying to learn from Lord of the Rings Online is fast transportation. However, the only thing I’ve figured out was to take the bus or get someone to drive me in their car. But somehow I feel like I’m cheating, so I haven’t done either in a while. I guess I don’t make a very good hunter.
Anyways, I was walking back to my house when out of nowhere I was stuck with a vision. Or maybe it wasn’t a vision, but standing before me was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. She must have been an elf maiden or at least some great woman of men. I stood there, just standing, gawking.
“Hi” she said. That one word sent a wave of fear shuddering through my body. I didn’t know what to do.
Normally in Lord of the Rings Online when I met someone who I wanted to impress, I would perform a /handstand, /firebreath, or /flip for them. But everything in my brain became a jumbo of faded paper; each piece of paper falling past my face, blank.
I then saw myself in third person; as if I was floating above, looking down at my stuplified body. I watched as my moral began to waver, from the attacks of her beauty. Fear stuck and I watched as my body tried to run, but she trapped me with a look that would slay dragons. Dropping my bag, I tried to run harder, only to be knocked down by her gentle face as I tried to disappear into the horizon.
To no avail did I flee, for against such power there is no escape. Finally incapacitated, I did the only thing left. I retreated.
Several hours later back at my computer, I contemplated what I had done wrong. Messaging several of my friends I told them what happened. Punkbunny Pink said that I should have just killed her, since her draining powers obviously made her evil. Blakkack Darkarrow stated that I probably did the right thing; running. Only Karrrot Eye said that I made a mistake and should try to win her favor, arguing that something that beautiful could not be evil.
Agreeing with Karrrot, I began contemplating what I could do, to make up for my failure earlier. Once again I messaged my friends asking for suggestions and after another hour or so we concluded that I either needed to kill a big boss for her, or craft her some impressive armor.
However, I’d dropped my Mountain Dew when I retreated and my moral was low, so I didn’t think I could beat a boss anytime soon.
So crafting it was. However, I’m more of a historian (farming and scholarly stuff) so I figured I should get a friend to make me the armor and I would just dye it. So I sent a quick message to my friend, asking him to make me some queenly armor.
I grabbed my red dye recipe. First thing on the list: Dye Salts - that should be easy enough. I ran over to the cupboards, rummaging through until came across some a jar of salt. Should do the trick
Next I needed a glass jar and some Neekerbreeker Ichor. Well, I figure I can skip the jar and just apply the dye directly to the armor. But ah, where do I find Neekerbreekers?
After giving it some thought I decided that I probably could substitute Neekerbreekers for some other kind of bug. It probably just needed to be red or have red blood or something.
I ran out into the yard. Bugs, bugs, where are the bugs. I couched down, putting my ear to the ground listening. I spotted a bug. It looked like it was some kind of ant and was red and black. I smiled, should do the trick. I grabbed one, squishing it between my fingers. It squirted a red mess.
My phone rang. Sitting down I read the text from my friend.
‘Got your armor, be over in a few’.
Good, I just needed to gather a bunch more bugs and then mash them and the salt together. I grabbed another bug.
“Ouch!” I screamed. When I grabbed the bug, it bit me. I guess these little buggers want a fight. It took me another 30 minutes or so for me to collect enough squished bugs. It was painful, but I figured that I was getting stronger every time they bit me. I smashed the salt and bugs together; also adding a little water so it would apply to the armor better. I had crafted a sticky red mess.
No just for a worm’s eye to crit it with. If a worm’s eye perfects the dye, wouldn’t the whole worm be even better? I jumped up and down in the yard for a bit, tell a worm or two came to the surface. Grabbing one, I added it to my dye and mashed it in.
A noise behind me told me that my friend had arrived with the armor.
“I didn’t have the time to craft anything, so I swung by a thrift store vendor and picked you up this light armor shirt” He said.
“Okay,” I replied “just give me the armor.”
We took the armor, and smeared the red dye all over it. I was very impressed. The armor was originally a dingy white color, now it was a brilliant dark red. I gave it another hour to dry, and figured it was ready.
It took me several minutes to get back to the place where I had first met the angel (as I have taken to calling her); but as soon as I got close, I remember everything from my hasty retreat.
There she stood, looking slightly less happy since I saw her last; probably because I left so suddenly last time. But I would make it up to her.
I approached her, hiding the armor behind my back. I wanted to surprise her.
“Hi” I said. “I made you something”
She looked at me, curiously. I slowly pulled the beautify crafted red shirt and held it out to her. She looked at me, then at the gift, then back at me.
Then she screamed, and ran through the yard into a house that was near by.
I smiled; she had thought it so beautiful that she had to go tell everyone. I carefully set the gift down on the sidewalk where she could get it when she returned. I walked over and picked up my mountain dew potions and returned home, knowing that once again Lord of the Rings Online has taught me everything I will ever need to know.

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